Hi everybody,
I know it's been so long since I last post and many things have happened and change in my life since then. But most importantly I want all to know I'm doing just fine. However, some things just don't change. The memories, the pain still is there within me. My scars left unheal.
For some reasons, I have begun talking to my mother again. We've met, gone out and I have even stepped back into her house (not staying of course!), knowing the risk. Yes, this may be a stupid thing to do! Though warned and scolded by my husband many times, I couldn't ignore her. She is after all my mother. The only mother I could ever get.
But yes, talking to her is indeed a price to pay. And I have to say it, it is tormenting to be talking to her but I'm taking it. However, my dad has no idea about this. It's a secret between my mom, aunts, grandma and me. My family (excluding my dad and those that have no idea I've ran off and marry) finally approved of my husband, knowing he is a good faithful man, still does not approve my choice of free will. They still do keep somehow talking me into going back to Islam, which I would politely refused. (Trust me, I have tried talking about the Quran faults to only hear whispers of nonsense from their mouth with no actual facts whatsoever.)
What hurts the most is when my mom still does not realize any of her mistakes. She adamantly stands her ground and keep asking me what when wrong and why I turn my back to them, even though the countless of times I have explained and talked to her about it. It comes to a point that I gave up talking because it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. I hear my words, and all she hears are noise.
I still remember the painful events that has occur and I told her of the things I went through after our separation. I told her about 'my suicidal thoughts' during those awful moments of depression and that I had to see a consultant for that and guess what she did? She kinda laughed and asked me what was so hard for me to need a consultant. And her exact words were, 'If you have suicidal thoughts, it is Jin disturbing you.'
To this, I really really wanted to slam the phone down, but trying my level best not to show anger, I only ended up crying on the phone and asking her how could she be so heartless. Of course she twist the words back to me, calling me one for leaving her.
Still now, she somehow manage to find her way to hurt my feelings every time we talk or face each other and I take it like a punching bag. Of course I know, I don't deserve such a mother and I don't deserve to be a punching bag certainly not to her but I couldn't stop myself finding for my mother. She was every thing to me when I was growing up and despite all her shit, somewhere in her, there's love. A tiny fraction though compared to her love for her religion.
I've tried years trying to stop myself from contacting my mom, to hate her and to just forget of having a family. But I can't and all I did was ended crying my eyes out and feeling the deepening pain. These were my thoughts:
What would happened if she were to die and I didn't face her till the end?
Would I be able to take it? Or would I break down to another sets of depression?
Was it worth being free in life but not free inside?
More than anyone, I know myself. I will not be able to take it if my mom dies. I will bear the guilt, even if it's not my fault and I will kill myself slowly. When I'm in depression, I'll do the stupidest things, without thinking. Been there and I know I will never ever forgive myself. This is why I took such a big risk to step forward, even if it cost my life.
I know it's been so long since I last post and many things have happened and change in my life since then. But most importantly I want all to know I'm doing just fine. However, some things just don't change. The memories, the pain still is there within me. My scars left unheal.
For some reasons, I have begun talking to my mother again. We've met, gone out and I have even stepped back into her house (not staying of course!), knowing the risk. Yes, this may be a stupid thing to do! Though warned and scolded by my husband many times, I couldn't ignore her. She is after all my mother. The only mother I could ever get.
But yes, talking to her is indeed a price to pay. And I have to say it, it is tormenting to be talking to her but I'm taking it. However, my dad has no idea about this. It's a secret between my mom, aunts, grandma and me. My family (excluding my dad and those that have no idea I've ran off and marry) finally approved of my husband, knowing he is a good faithful man, still does not approve my choice of free will. They still do keep somehow talking me into going back to Islam, which I would politely refused. (Trust me, I have tried talking about the Quran faults to only hear whispers of nonsense from their mouth with no actual facts whatsoever.)
What hurts the most is when my mom still does not realize any of her mistakes. She adamantly stands her ground and keep asking me what when wrong and why I turn my back to them, even though the countless of times I have explained and talked to her about it. It comes to a point that I gave up talking because it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. I hear my words, and all she hears are noise.
I still remember the painful events that has occur and I told her of the things I went through after our separation. I told her about 'my suicidal thoughts' during those awful moments of depression and that I had to see a consultant for that and guess what she did? She kinda laughed and asked me what was so hard for me to need a consultant. And her exact words were, 'If you have suicidal thoughts, it is Jin disturbing you.'
To this, I really really wanted to slam the phone down, but trying my level best not to show anger, I only ended up crying on the phone and asking her how could she be so heartless. Of course she twist the words back to me, calling me one for leaving her.
Still now, she somehow manage to find her way to hurt my feelings every time we talk or face each other and I take it like a punching bag. Of course I know, I don't deserve such a mother and I don't deserve to be a punching bag certainly not to her but I couldn't stop myself finding for my mother. She was every thing to me when I was growing up and despite all her shit, somewhere in her, there's love. A tiny fraction though compared to her love for her religion.
I've tried years trying to stop myself from contacting my mom, to hate her and to just forget of having a family. But I can't and all I did was ended crying my eyes out and feeling the deepening pain. These were my thoughts:
What would happened if she were to die and I didn't face her till the end?
Would I be able to take it? Or would I break down to another sets of depression?
Was it worth being free in life but not free inside?
More than anyone, I know myself. I will not be able to take it if my mom dies. I will bear the guilt, even if it's not my fault and I will kill myself slowly. When I'm in depression, I'll do the stupidest things, without thinking. Been there and I know I will never ever forgive myself. This is why I took such a big risk to step forward, even if it cost my life.
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