Recently I had a close friend tell me about what she dreamt about me. As you can guess, this friend of mine is a Muslim and we were friends since I was started studying in my ‘madrasah’ (Islamic school).
Things of course changed between us after she was clear that I had left Islam, but nevertheless she was still friendly towards me. However, I maintained a distance between us, only allowing contact through the internet.
Anyway, she dreamt that I died. Actually, I was already aware that when she told me she had a horrible dream, it should be of my death.
As expected, it was definitely horrible, as well as unbelievable.
She dreamt that after I die, I took a sudden change into the figure of a dog. Of course, this is physically impossible to happen. I don’t think even magic can turn me into such creatures. Of course, unless you believe in Harry Potter.
Anyway, what she told me was that, my dog turned dead body was brought forward to my parents' home and my husband (yea, we got married!) was there as well.
While the ‘imam’ (Muslim priest) was praying upon me and some people were wrapping my body with kafan (white burial shroud), I suddenly started to writhe, and then I turned to the side and started wailing like a baby. Everyone around me went into an utter shock and were frightened. (Too much horror movie I presume. Did anyone think that maybe I went into a coma?)
I told my friend that I knew why I wailed. I told her sarcastically that I wailed because I would never ever wish to be buried as a Muslim, and then I laughed about it. (I know, it’s so cool, like a slap across her face.) Of course, she went, ‘nonsense!’.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
My parents caused my depression
It is hard for me to walk through my life, now that I am free to do what I want. I’m happy, yes. I am extremely happy to be free but deep inside of me, I’m still caged. Caged from the pain I was force to go through and from the wounds that never heal inside of me. Pain from the blows of others and pain because of the blows I gave others.
I am a very simple girl that wishes everyone to be happy. Maybe inside of me I think that making others happy gives me a reason to be happy as well. It is true. I do feel a little happy for that but people don’t remember me for the times I make them smile, they remember me for the times I must have hurt them unintentionally or the times I made mistakes in my life.
Sometimes people expect me to be more than what I can and it pressurizes me.
My cousins and my aunts, people that I had once been close with, these people truly never cared about my happiness. Because the moment I make one mistake, they torment me. First they would scream hurtful things at me, then second they would make sure my parents know about it. The worst part is when my parents actually do listen to them and put me in a position to feel sorry for myself, even if it wasn’t my fault.
Everything I do when I was young, always get me wrong. I wanted to help someone but in the end I will end up being blamed for hurting or causing trouble. It has always been that way for me. Till I started thinking that it is 100% sure that every year I will definitely have a huge problem stick to me. Like for instance I’ve been imprisoned in my parents' house because they think I was wrong. Something like this always happens [when I live with my parents], at least once a year.
So it makes me think I’m doing something wrong, and yet I know I didn’t really do anything wrong except trying to be me. I can never be me; that’s what everything seems to conclude to.
My parents don’t bother about all the things I am going through. My mother, I always wished to hug her and cry on her shoulders and tell her my problems, but unfortunately I couldn’t. For one, she will definitely take me to be making some sort of mistake, and another she will actually scold me or punish me, which in result makes me wish I didn’t tell her anything at all.
I don’t know if I have ever talked to her about stuff before. I might have. But I don’t remember what happened. And in any case, I always refrain from talking to my parents regarding any personal problems I’m going through.
It’s hard to explain my childhood pain I went through. Most of them I forgot really but yet I feel the pain of it. The pain that it had caused me throughout my life. I don’t know why I feel the pain eventhough I don’t remember things. Maybe I have come to accept the fact that perhaps it’s better to let the images go so that it might be less painful? I don’t know. But it didn’t become any less painful… It hurts a lot.
I am a very simple girl that wishes everyone to be happy. Maybe inside of me I think that making others happy gives me a reason to be happy as well. It is true. I do feel a little happy for that but people don’t remember me for the times I make them smile, they remember me for the times I must have hurt them unintentionally or the times I made mistakes in my life.
Sometimes people expect me to be more than what I can and it pressurizes me.
My cousins and my aunts, people that I had once been close with, these people truly never cared about my happiness. Because the moment I make one mistake, they torment me. First they would scream hurtful things at me, then second they would make sure my parents know about it. The worst part is when my parents actually do listen to them and put me in a position to feel sorry for myself, even if it wasn’t my fault.
Everything I do when I was young, always get me wrong. I wanted to help someone but in the end I will end up being blamed for hurting or causing trouble. It has always been that way for me. Till I started thinking that it is 100% sure that every year I will definitely have a huge problem stick to me. Like for instance I’ve been imprisoned in my parents' house because they think I was wrong. Something like this always happens [when I live with my parents], at least once a year.
So it makes me think I’m doing something wrong, and yet I know I didn’t really do anything wrong except trying to be me. I can never be me; that’s what everything seems to conclude to.
My parents don’t bother about all the things I am going through. My mother, I always wished to hug her and cry on her shoulders and tell her my problems, but unfortunately I couldn’t. For one, she will definitely take me to be making some sort of mistake, and another she will actually scold me or punish me, which in result makes me wish I didn’t tell her anything at all.
I don’t know if I have ever talked to her about stuff before. I might have. But I don’t remember what happened. And in any case, I always refrain from talking to my parents regarding any personal problems I’m going through.
It’s hard to explain my childhood pain I went through. Most of them I forgot really but yet I feel the pain of it. The pain that it had caused me throughout my life. I don’t know why I feel the pain eventhough I don’t remember things. Maybe I have come to accept the fact that perhaps it’s better to let the images go so that it might be less painful? I don’t know. But it didn’t become any less painful… It hurts a lot.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
They're always right. We're always wrong.
[Posted by blog co-author]
Can you imagine the irony in this?! The following news is from a Primary School in London. That's right, a primary school. And instead of questioning how children can have such hatred against Christians and Jews at such young age, they blame the teacher who is trying to find justice. What is happening to the world? Are everyone else bowing down to the muslims and licking their feet? What a shame!
Christian teacher 'forced out' after complaining Muslim pupils praised 9/11 hijackers 'as heroes'
By Lucy Ballinger
Last updated at 6:06 PM on 08th February 2010
A Christian teacher told today how he lost his job after complaining that Muslim pupils as young as eight hailed the September 11 hijackers as 'heroes'.
Nicholas Kafouris said he was forced from his £30,000-a-year post because he would not tolerate the 'racist' and 'anti-Semitic' behaviour of children.
He said the predominantly Muslim youngsters openly praised Islamic extremists in class, and hailed the terrorists of the 2001 atrocities as 'martyrs'.
Mr Kafouris, 40, told how one pupil said to him, ‘Don’t touch me, you’re a Christian’, when the teacher accidentally brushed against him with his arm.
Others said, ‘We want to be Islamic bombers when we grow up', and 'the Christians and Jews are our enemies, you too because you're a Christian', he added.
Mr Kafouris, who had taught at Bigland Green Primary School, in Tower Hamlets, East London, for 12 years, said there was a change in attitude of pupils at the school - where the majority of pupils are Muslim - after the World Trade Center attacks.
According to the most recent Ofsted report 'almost all' the 465 pupils at the school are from ethnic minorities and a vast proportion do not have English as their first language.
Mr Kafouris, a Greek Cypriot, said pupils told him, 'We hate the Christians' and, 'We hate the Jews', despite his attempts to stop them.
The teacher is now suing his former school, the headteacher, and the assistant head for racial discrimination after they failed to take action about the comments made by pupils to him.
He had filled out a 'Racist Incident Reporting Sheet' but claimed the headteacher Jill Hankey dismissed his concerns.
In a statement submitted to the Central London Employment Tribunal he said: 'Miss Hankey proceeded to excuse and justify the pupil's behaviour, conduct and remarks to me as if I had no right to be offended by the child's remarks and conduct.
Amongst Miss Hankey's justifications for the child's remarks, she said: 'If the child was older, say 15, I might take it more seriously, he's only nine, he's only doing it to wind you up.'
He added: 'I felt the head's behaviour and conduct towards me amounted to direct religious discrimination against me which I considered most offensive.
‘I was intimidated in the way she spoke to me which indicated, “Don't come back with such issues again”.'
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Joke of the day
Eating with right hand:
It seems quite right that the Muslims claim that one should only eat using their right hand and never their left hand, as their left is supposedly used to clean us up after doing our business in the bathroom. At the same time Muslims claim that everything given to them by their 'Allah' is good and thus they should not claim it otherwise but yet still they prejudice their own hands negatively wrapping on the illusion regarding which hand is to be used to eat. The most ironic thing, they actually claim that it is the 'Jinns' attitude to eat using its left hand.
Pitying Someone:
Do you know that a Muslim should not pity another person, be they believer or not? Muslims claim that pitying another's pain would result it upon them as they claim that one who is in pain deserves it cause it is their punishment from 'Allah' upon them for whatever sin they must have done. Thus pitying them will cast 'Allah's' wrath upon you. Oh and you may ask, what about the innocent children who suffer? Well these children actually suffer upon their parents sin. So Merciful He is indeed! How well Muhammad has done to kill human emotions of pity upon mankind. How pitiful they are indeed.
Bathing Naked:
One should bath with themselves covered up (private parts only) or the satan will caress their private parts and awaken stronger sexual desires within them. As desires are equal to evil. Ironically, within the hadith there is a part regarding Moses and his people bathing naked:
I don't know about other Muslims, but this is what my parents have been taught by their leader. This is some of the most ridiculous things they have been practicing. Chinese people are seen as unclean, as they eat pork and drink alcohol, and they have not clean their hands or legs in a proper way after touching 'haram' (unclean) things. Chinese are believed to be as you all know, they are unbelievers so which means, considered animals to their eyes, so of course a human can't eat what an animal cook, right? Unfortunately, they are blind. The believers have always been the animals. Haha!
Brazil Chicken or Village Chicken:
Another ridiculous thing taught by parents' leader. Somehow, some way, their leader got the idea that the non-believers are injecting pig fat into these fluttering creatures to make them grow fat and big so they have more flesh. God knows, if such things even exist, but well, village chickens are usually fresh and I don't know once again, where the leader get the idea that Brazil chicken is clean. Also, they forbid these, because the chickens were not slaughtered in any Islamic way, as in screaming 'Allahu Akhbar' before slitting its throat. Usually chickens go through machines, where they inject these chickens to make them barely conscious, or so they say. Whatever the reason is, I still question why only chicken, since all our other meat also goes through that process.
Coca Cola:
Also the same ridiculous crap from my parents' group somehow getting information that the company is actually donating some of their profit to some wine company. I still wonder, why would some wine company need donation when they might be making more money than some pathetic gassy can drink.
There's also something that Muslims found out about the way Coca Cola was written that when turned inverted, whichever way, it seems to sort of form an arabic sentence that says 'Laa Muhammad Laa Makkah', which means No Muhammad No Mecca. Here's the image:
Jinn and Magic of Islam:
Alright, this is sort of an issue. Jinns are considered evil beings that are known as helpers of Satan, the acursed one. Muslim considered, all idols as Jinns taking form within the statue to be God. Since Jinns are made from fire, and goes against Allah, following a Jinn way is like following its way straight to HellFire. Ironically, they claimed that Jinns are also used to help heal people. Used to help solve magical problems. Like for example, if one is needed to become a spiritual healer, they have to have a Jinn as their Guardian. Doesn't mean they worship them, but it means they used or force such Jinn to do their biddings. Yet at the same time, they also become reliable upon that Jinn, as their healing powers come from it.
So if Allah, is that great, why does he not help these people to heal with the help of his power, instead using the power of their enemy. I mean doesn't this prove something is wrong with their Allah? Maybe he is just powerless, which I'm sure he is.
Sad.
Reason for baby crying at birth:
I'm not sure how many Muslims believe this,but this was what had been taught to me by my parents. As ridiculous as it is, I thought it was actually true, until I grew up and learn about science. Well my mother says that an infant in a mother's womb, is as innocent and as knowledgable. When the baby arrives, it lets out a scream and starts crying because it is crying to Allah as to why he/she was born into the world where sinners exist. Quite interesing and extremely funny to know this theory as anyone with common sense will know that a child coming out from the warmth heat of her/his mother's womb cries at the first hit of cold air. Muslims are great inventors of stories.
It seems quite right that the Muslims claim that one should only eat using their right hand and never their left hand, as their left is supposedly used to clean us up after doing our business in the bathroom. At the same time Muslims claim that everything given to them by their 'Allah' is good and thus they should not claim it otherwise but yet still they prejudice their own hands negatively wrapping on the illusion regarding which hand is to be used to eat. The most ironic thing, they actually claim that it is the 'Jinns' attitude to eat using its left hand.
Pitying Someone:
Do you know that a Muslim should not pity another person, be they believer or not? Muslims claim that pitying another's pain would result it upon them as they claim that one who is in pain deserves it cause it is their punishment from 'Allah' upon them for whatever sin they must have done. Thus pitying them will cast 'Allah's' wrath upon you. Oh and you may ask, what about the innocent children who suffer? Well these children actually suffer upon their parents sin. So Merciful He is indeed! How well Muhammad has done to kill human emotions of pity upon mankind. How pitiful they are indeed.
Bathing Naked:
One should bath with themselves covered up (private parts only) or the satan will caress their private parts and awaken stronger sexual desires within them. As desires are equal to evil. Ironically, within the hadith there is a part regarding Moses and his people bathing naked:
Volume 1, Book 5, Number 277:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, 'The (people of) Bani Israel used to take bath naked (all together) looking at each other. The Prophet Moses used to take a bath alone. They said, 'By Allah! Nothing prevents Moses from taking a bath with us except that he has a scrotal hernia.' So once Moses went out to take a bath and put his clothes over a stone and then that stone ran away with his clothes. Moses followed that stone saying, "My clothes, O stone! My clothes, O stone! till the people of Bani Israel saw him and said, 'By Allah, Moses has got no defect in his body. Moses took his clothes and began to beat the stone." Abu Huraira added, "By Allah! There are still six or seven marks present on the stone from that excessive beating."Do not eat Halal food prepared by Chinese:
I don't know about other Muslims, but this is what my parents have been taught by their leader. This is some of the most ridiculous things they have been practicing. Chinese people are seen as unclean, as they eat pork and drink alcohol, and they have not clean their hands or legs in a proper way after touching 'haram' (unclean) things. Chinese are believed to be as you all know, they are unbelievers so which means, considered animals to their eyes, so of course a human can't eat what an animal cook, right? Unfortunately, they are blind. The believers have always been the animals. Haha!
Brazil Chicken or Village Chicken:
Another ridiculous thing taught by parents' leader. Somehow, some way, their leader got the idea that the non-believers are injecting pig fat into these fluttering creatures to make them grow fat and big so they have more flesh. God knows, if such things even exist, but well, village chickens are usually fresh and I don't know once again, where the leader get the idea that Brazil chicken is clean. Also, they forbid these, because the chickens were not slaughtered in any Islamic way, as in screaming 'Allahu Akhbar' before slitting its throat. Usually chickens go through machines, where they inject these chickens to make them barely conscious, or so they say. Whatever the reason is, I still question why only chicken, since all our other meat also goes through that process.
Coca Cola:
Also the same ridiculous crap from my parents' group somehow getting information that the company is actually donating some of their profit to some wine company. I still wonder, why would some wine company need donation when they might be making more money than some pathetic gassy can drink.
There's also something that Muslims found out about the way Coca Cola was written that when turned inverted, whichever way, it seems to sort of form an arabic sentence that says 'Laa Muhammad Laa Makkah', which means No Muhammad No Mecca. Here's the image:
Seems like the Coca Cola company got it right.
Jinn and Magic of Islam:
Alright, this is sort of an issue. Jinns are considered evil beings that are known as helpers of Satan, the acursed one. Muslim considered, all idols as Jinns taking form within the statue to be God. Since Jinns are made from fire, and goes against Allah, following a Jinn way is like following its way straight to HellFire. Ironically, they claimed that Jinns are also used to help heal people. Used to help solve magical problems. Like for example, if one is needed to become a spiritual healer, they have to have a Jinn as their Guardian. Doesn't mean they worship them, but it means they used or force such Jinn to do their biddings. Yet at the same time, they also become reliable upon that Jinn, as their healing powers come from it.
So if Allah, is that great, why does he not help these people to heal with the help of his power, instead using the power of their enemy. I mean doesn't this prove something is wrong with their Allah? Maybe he is just powerless, which I'm sure he is.
Sad.
Reason for baby crying at birth:
I'm not sure how many Muslims believe this,but this was what had been taught to me by my parents. As ridiculous as it is, I thought it was actually true, until I grew up and learn about science. Well my mother says that an infant in a mother's womb, is as innocent and as knowledgable. When the baby arrives, it lets out a scream and starts crying because it is crying to Allah as to why he/she was born into the world where sinners exist. Quite interesing and extremely funny to know this theory as anyone with common sense will know that a child coming out from the warmth heat of her/his mother's womb cries at the first hit of cold air. Muslims are great inventors of stories.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
My parents' hatred stems from Islam
13 January 2010
Every day I keep hoping to see loving parents. Ones who love their daughter and want her to be happy. Every day that's what I wished for. But like a lightning bolt, it struck me so hard that just like all Muslims out there, my parents are the same. I'm nothing but a burden [to them]. Countless times they made me feel that way, throughout my life. Funny, but true. I've always thought they'd be better without me, because that's how they made me see it. They have never portrayed it by words, but as it is said, action speaks louder that words.
Every time I make a mistake, my parents would be sure to remind me again and again what I did in my past, even if it's something I wish to forget. They made me feel like I've done so much to have hurt them and that is why several times in a row I've been in and out of depression. I've come to the part where I even hate myself. My thoughts were, I'm not a perfect daughter, I do not deserve to be their daughter, and I always hurt them. But as I grew up and as I mixed around, I finally realised something. I realised that I've grown up in a negative way all my life. The mistakes I did was not really mistakes. They were actually stepping stones for me to learn from. Unfortunately, it only hurt me more than teach me anything.
Within years, I have been reduced to nothing and every freedom I demanded was not in my favour. It came till the point of choosing my own mate. When the word fell [on their ears], they were in full pretentious state until the right time approaches, and like I'm the animal, I was seized and held captive in the very place I called 'home'! The pain I went through, not physical but mental, was a torment. Even after I escaped it, the fear within me never recedes and those memories never subsided. Everywhere I go now, the moment I see a padlock, I shiver inside, remembering the huge padlock my father used to lock the main door's gate. I felt violated till now that I spent sleepless nights (like now, for example) crying to myself.
Is it wrong to wish for parents who love you and understand you? Islam never lets you go in peace. Never! It shook me more when my mother and uncle assaulted my fiancé and me. How can she claim she loves me? There it was, my fiancé getting beaten up and not letting me go, not even to run for help because he loves me and wants me safe [and doesn't want to lose me]! And there it was, the people claiming they love me but too blind to see the sacrifice that my fiancé is doing for me. People can say maybe perhaps my parents are afraid that my fiancé might hurt me and so they don't want me to marry him. But if he is willing to go through getting beaten for me, will he ever leave me?
If they really love me, they will want my happiness and not my pain. They have only inflicted pain in me and made it worse on the Christmas eve, 24th December 2009. I never knew they would stoop so low. Their focus was to get me! The reason was only clear. Honour of Islam! No child [born in Islam] deserve happiness if honour and Islam has to be traded. I am no longer a Muslim and that hurt them and killed them more than anything.
When I know there was no way they are going to accept my fiancé ever if he converts, I knew there was nothing else [for me] to stay for [in their house]. I was [at first] willing to sacrifice my freedom to get the man I love. But no, to them nothing was ever my choice. My mother said she'd rather kill me that let me be the way I was, which is equal to being free. No daughter would wish to hear her mother cursing her, calling her a prostitute and threatening her with death. But I'm hearing this. I'm going through all these! How hard it was for me to have to file a report against my parents, how hard it was for me to even file for a protection order. Oh God, how hard it was. Only I knew how many times I've cried (without my fiancé's knowledge).
That day I knew, there was no love towards me. In the end, Islam won my parents' hearts than their only daughter, their flesh and blood's love. No daughter would wish to run away. It's only due to their parents that they do. I wish I've had a normal life. I always did. But it is too late. I've been fed with fears. Fear of allah, fear of judgement day, fear of their leader, fear of them (my parents) till the extend when I argued with them that 'love' is the one that will make children respect parents, they [strongly] insisted that 'fear' brings respect. I should've known then. I should've realised, but I was too young to understand, even though I didn't agree with what they said.
Fear was everything to them. Fear = Islam. I am nothing but a burden and shame [to them].
Every day I keep hoping to see loving parents. Ones who love their daughter and want her to be happy. Every day that's what I wished for. But like a lightning bolt, it struck me so hard that just like all Muslims out there, my parents are the same. I'm nothing but a burden [to them]. Countless times they made me feel that way, throughout my life. Funny, but true. I've always thought they'd be better without me, because that's how they made me see it. They have never portrayed it by words, but as it is said, action speaks louder that words.
Every time I make a mistake, my parents would be sure to remind me again and again what I did in my past, even if it's something I wish to forget. They made me feel like I've done so much to have hurt them and that is why several times in a row I've been in and out of depression. I've come to the part where I even hate myself. My thoughts were, I'm not a perfect daughter, I do not deserve to be their daughter, and I always hurt them. But as I grew up and as I mixed around, I finally realised something. I realised that I've grown up in a negative way all my life. The mistakes I did was not really mistakes. They were actually stepping stones for me to learn from. Unfortunately, it only hurt me more than teach me anything.
Within years, I have been reduced to nothing and every freedom I demanded was not in my favour. It came till the point of choosing my own mate. When the word fell [on their ears], they were in full pretentious state until the right time approaches, and like I'm the animal, I was seized and held captive in the very place I called 'home'! The pain I went through, not physical but mental, was a torment. Even after I escaped it, the fear within me never recedes and those memories never subsided. Everywhere I go now, the moment I see a padlock, I shiver inside, remembering the huge padlock my father used to lock the main door's gate. I felt violated till now that I spent sleepless nights (like now, for example) crying to myself.
Is it wrong to wish for parents who love you and understand you? Islam never lets you go in peace. Never! It shook me more when my mother and uncle assaulted my fiancé and me. How can she claim she loves me? There it was, my fiancé getting beaten up and not letting me go, not even to run for help because he loves me and wants me safe [and doesn't want to lose me]! And there it was, the people claiming they love me but too blind to see the sacrifice that my fiancé is doing for me. People can say maybe perhaps my parents are afraid that my fiancé might hurt me and so they don't want me to marry him. But if he is willing to go through getting beaten for me, will he ever leave me?
If they really love me, they will want my happiness and not my pain. They have only inflicted pain in me and made it worse on the Christmas eve, 24th December 2009. I never knew they would stoop so low. Their focus was to get me! The reason was only clear. Honour of Islam! No child [born in Islam] deserve happiness if honour and Islam has to be traded. I am no longer a Muslim and that hurt them and killed them more than anything.
When I know there was no way they are going to accept my fiancé ever if he converts, I knew there was nothing else [for me] to stay for [in their house]. I was [at first] willing to sacrifice my freedom to get the man I love. But no, to them nothing was ever my choice. My mother said she'd rather kill me that let me be the way I was, which is equal to being free. No daughter would wish to hear her mother cursing her, calling her a prostitute and threatening her with death. But I'm hearing this. I'm going through all these! How hard it was for me to have to file a report against my parents, how hard it was for me to even file for a protection order. Oh God, how hard it was. Only I knew how many times I've cried (without my fiancé's knowledge).
That day I knew, there was no love towards me. In the end, Islam won my parents' hearts than their only daughter, their flesh and blood's love. No daughter would wish to run away. It's only due to their parents that they do. I wish I've had a normal life. I always did. But it is too late. I've been fed with fears. Fear of allah, fear of judgement day, fear of their leader, fear of them (my parents) till the extend when I argued with them that 'love' is the one that will make children respect parents, they [strongly] insisted that 'fear' brings respect. I should've known then. I should've realised, but I was too young to understand, even though I didn't agree with what they said.
Fear was everything to them. Fear = Islam. I am nothing but a burden and shame [to them].
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