Updates...2012

Hi everybody,

I know it's been so long since I last post and many things have happened and change in my life since then. But most importantly I want all to know I'm doing just fine. However, some things just don't change. The memories, the pain still is there within me. My scars left unheal.

For some reasons, I have begun talking to my mother again. We've met, gone out and I have even stepped back into her house (not staying of course!), knowing the risk. Yes, this may be a stupid thing to do! Though warned and scolded by my husband many times, I couldn't ignore her. She is after all my mother. The only mother I could ever get.

But yes, talking to her is indeed a price to pay. And I have to say it, it is tormenting to be talking to her but I'm taking it. However, my dad has no idea about this. It's a secret between my mom, aunts, grandma and me. My family (excluding my dad and those that have no idea I've ran off and marry) finally approved of my husband, knowing he is a good faithful man, still does not approve my choice of free will. They still do keep somehow talking me into going back to Islam, which I would politely refused. (Trust me, I have tried talking about the Quran faults to only hear whispers of nonsense from their mouth with no actual facts whatsoever.)

What hurts the most is when my mom still does not realize any of her mistakes. She adamantly stands her ground and keep asking me what when wrong and why I turn my back to them, even though the countless of times I have explained and talked to her about it. It comes to a point that I gave up talking because it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. I hear my words, and all she hears are noise.

I still remember the painful events that has occur and I told her of the things I went through after our separation. I told her about 'my suicidal thoughts' during those awful moments of depression and that I had to see a consultant for that and guess what she did? She kinda laughed and asked me what was so hard for me to need a consultant. And her exact words were, 'If you have suicidal thoughts, it is Jin disturbing you.'

To this, I really really wanted to slam the phone down, but trying my level best not to show anger, I only ended up crying on the phone and asking her how could she be so heartless. Of course she twist the words back to me, calling me one for leaving her.

Still now, she somehow manage to find her way to hurt my feelings every time we talk or face each other and I take it like a punching bag. Of course I know, I don't deserve such a mother and I don't deserve to be a punching bag certainly not to her but I couldn't stop myself finding for my mother. She was every thing to me when I was growing up and despite all her shit, somewhere in her, there's love. A tiny fraction though compared to her love for her religion.

I've tried years trying to stop myself from contacting my mom, to hate her and to just forget of having a family. But I can't and all I did was ended crying my eyes out and feeling the deepening pain. These were my thoughts:

What would happened if she were to die and I didn't face her till the end?
Would I be able to take it? Or would I break down to another sets of depression?
Was it worth being free in life but not free inside?

More than anyone, I know myself. I will not be able to take it if my mom dies. I will bear the guilt, even if it's not my fault and I will kill myself slowly. When I'm in depression, I'll do the stupidest things, without thinking. Been there and I know I will never ever forgive myself. This is why I took such a big risk to step forward, even if it cost my life.

Their love for me is nothing

It’s been a while since I last wrote about what has happened to me. Things are fine with my fear almost gone. However I still have fear of my parents and the damn pad lock (the one my dad used to lock me up with).

I’ve seen my family members outside a few times. I’ve seen my grandma, two of my aunties and my cousin sister whom I’m keeping in touch with.

It’s funny how despite after a year and 7 months my parents are still telling me to behave in the way they want me to. They didn’t bother searching for me, perhaps for fear of the law. However it seemed that somehow they got to see my pictures in Facebook. My cousin sister had uploaded pictures of us taken together right before we went clubbing.

I was wearing a mini skirt with tight toga top in that picture. When my mother found out, she immediately questioned my cousin regarding the picture. She didn’t ask about me, my contact details or even of my health, but her main worry was the way I was.

She asked my cousin to take down the pictures of me from Facebook. She told my cousin to tell me that I should dress properly and live properly (where ‘properly’ means according to Muslim ways), and then she further said that if any other Indian Muslim out there saw us the way we were, they would have killed us.

My mother still has the cheek to threaten me and my cousin! And then she went around telling my grandmother about this.

I had purposely added a cousin of mine who is also within the Jemaah (congregation) as my parents were, in Facebook. I also had purposely uploaded pictures of me in sleeveless tops drinking directly from a wine bottle just to know their reaction.

This immediately went into headline news. My grandmother, whom I trust a little due to her incapability to understand or know about Islam fully and who was also the only adult I’m keeping in contact with, called me up to ask me about this.

And she still has the cheek to tell me that as a Muslim, one shouldn’t drink or dress up indecently. I told her right to her face that I am not a Muslim; neither do I wish to ever be one anymore in my life.

She asked me what will people think when they see me how I dress up. Who cares? Come on, If I grow up caring about others who doesn’t give a damn about me, then who’s going to live my life?

She still could talk about me returning to Islam, and that it’s in my blood and that I shouldn’t leave it. I was quite pissed at this point, yet I have to respect her and have to acknowledge the fact that her knowledge of Islam was very limited. She has no clue what the deeper level of Islam reflects and even if I explain, she would go into denial.

Trying my best to conceal my anger, I went on asking her, why is it that when a Hindu or Christian converts into Islam, you do not question them, but when a Muslim converts out of Islam, you do.

I guess I got her as she went into a blabbering mode of repeating questions which I ignored completely.

In everything that has happened, I understood clearly. None of my family members had any clue of what my parents had actually done to me. None had the idea of the trauma I had been through. Even when I told my grandma about the trauma I went through and still am in, she keep trying to tell me to forgive and forget, saying that my parents love me and that they wouldn’t do it to me again.

What she isn’t willing to see, which she was quite often repeating to me was that the fact that despite their love, what hurts them most, the reason they want me back was for one thing – to get back their honor that they had lost.  Perhaps it may not be to kill me, which I’ll never know but I am extremely aware of, but they have mentioned several times to my grandma and my aunties that they wished to marry me off to my husband in an Islamic way.

I rejected Islam way before my husband came into my life. I rejected Islam and hated Islam vehemently after they locked me up and more than anything, I’m already married in the eyes of the law. What is this rubbish talk of marrying me off to the same man that I’m already married to?

Are they mad? I can’t help but wonder. It is madness what they are saying, and it is madness if they expect me to pity them and go back to them.

Yes, I love them and yes, I so badly want to see my mother, talk to her, care for her, but I wouldn’t wish to risk my life for it, or risk my freedom. What saddens me is that till this moment, they are not realizing their fault and they blame it on me for leaving, for dishonoring.

Even my uncle, who had whacked me up and my husband on the 24th of December 2009, regretted his violent act, according to my grandmother, but my parents never once mentioned that they were sorry. All they asked was where they went wrong in nurturing me.

So my life right now, my freedom right now, my happiness right now meant nothing to them. They couldn’t bear the fact that I had dishonored their family and that I am living a life without their control, without any need of worrying.

To them, I’m living a shameless lifestyle like an animal and the fact that I don’t give a fuck irritates them. It took me some time to realize that their love for me is nothing. All they want is to restore their honor, however they could. The question is to either kill me or control me once again and I will not bring myself to put me back into such a position!

Did he really deserve to be jailed?

[Posted by blog co-author]

Jailed for religious insult: 'Wounded feelings' of Muslims
by Khushwant Singh on The Straits Times, Singapore.

IN THE first case of its kind, air-con repairman Andrew Kiong Kheng Kiat, 44, was jailed two weeks on Friday for wounding the religious feeling of a couple.

A district court heard that on the evening of Feb 2 last year, housewife Halinah Barudin, 38, found a card on the windscreen of her car. Written on it, were questions that cast aspersions on Prophet Muhammad.

Upset, she and her husband Mohamad Dahar Dollah, an air steward, approached the management of the condominium to view the footage of the closed-circuit television cameras in the basement car park.

It showed Kiong putting the card on the couple's car at about 5.30pm on that day.

Mr Mohamad Dahar, 40, then went to the police and Kiong was tracked down and questioned.

He admitted to printing 16 such cards and had placed eight on cars that he believed were owned by Muslims.

He was unable to specify the exact locations. He had thrown away the remaining eight cards after the authorities caught up with him.

Deputy Public Prosecutor Adrian Loo said that while previous offenders had been charged with promoting ill-will and hostility between the different races under the Sedition Act, the offence of wounding the religious feelings of another person was equally serious, as both offences carry the maximum punishment of a fine and a three-year jail term.

Kiong, who was expressionless during the hearing, looked resigned as he was led away in handcuffs.

This news which was released yesterday is not clear on the entirety. The questions on the card were never published anywhere online, nor printed on the news. There was no analytical debate on whether or not the questions were merely a genuine inquiry into the actions of the Prophet, whom Muslims consider the best role model. If it was a genuine inquiry, the government ought to consult the inquirer on how he arrived at the questions, and attempt to provide satisfactory answers (failing which, it will be obvious that the subject being inquired on has faults that makes it worthy of those questions). Only if the questions were really meant to insult (by secular standards, not by Muslim standards), then the insulter must be punished.

It must be noted that Muslims consider that one can be a Muslim only by emulating the Prophet and his every action, regardless of how wrong the action may be to the human conscience. Non-muslims studying Islam and and its tenets in detail would question some of the actions of Muhammad, especially those actions from his later life. However, with secular governments like Singapore attempting to protect religion from free inquiry by outlawing it as "sedition" or "hurting religious feelings," Non-muslims are discouraged from asking their questions and prevented from enjoying free exchange and conversation with Muslims. They are forced to veil a mask of anonymity when expressing their doubts and questions (which failed for Andrew). Even a simple question asked by a Non-muslim inquiring the morality, legality or relevance of an action of Prophet Muhammad will be labelled as "sedition" by Muslims.

News sources need to do more justice by publishing complete news and including all details. The questions on the card must have been published or at least provided online, so that readers can judge for themselves whether these questions were a genuine inquiry about Muhammad and Islam, or merely meant to insult. This would not only ensure that justice is served more justly (by prompting public outcry on a mistaken conviction), but also encourage more Non-muslims to study and understand Islam without a religious bias. In today's world, a majority of Non-muslims are under the wrong impressions about Islam. Either they believe that Islam is similar to Judaism and the more well-known Christianity, or they believe that Islam is evil, due to the recent terrorist events. The correct opinion needs to be formed by a Non-muslim only by studying Islam itself, and not by judging from recent developments, promotion of religion by religious institutions, or hearsay.

The fact that the cards contained questions gives me the idea that they are more likely to be genuine inquiry, which is wrongly accused as being insulting and "hurting" to Muslims. This is because Muslims regard such reverence to the Prophet that his actions become unquestionable, and any question, genuine or otherwise, is considered an "insult".

Paul the Predicting Octopus?

[Posted by blog co-author]

With the recent World Cup, there had been a lot of hype going on about the divine precognitive powers of the seafood prophet - Paul the Octopus.

It is highly unlikely that this octopus can understand anything about the World Cup, soccer, countries or even the biology behind mussels. So how is it that Paul predicted 4 out of 6 matches correctly in Euro 2008, and a bewildering 8 out of 8 matches in the World Cup 2010? Surely there must be a supernatural force guiding the tentacles of Paul to reach out for the correct flag. Never mind the two times this force tricked his Cephalopod intelligence.

Lets see if we can find other possible explanations without involving the supernatural.

The Stoning of Soraya M.

Have you watched the movie The Stoning of Soraya M.? The depth of the story and the detail of it can make anyone cry. And I did. I started crying right before her stoning (knowing well it was coming) till after the movie ended.

As I watched her stoning, I couldn't help but think of my fate if my husband hadn't saved me. When they gave Soraya's father the stones to take the first hit, I couldn't help but think that it was my father, standing there, accusing me and throwing the first hit while I'm tied, buried half deep in the ground. The pain was not from the blows, but from heartache. Soraya's heart died when they made her own sons hit her! I cried watching how the children were made to participate. How the village leaders said that with each stone, the honor of the family and of the village is restored.

I cried as much, scarring my heart deeper, watching Soraya's slow death. Every part of my body, every piece of my mind felt like it was me being stoned. It reminded myself what was fated for me if I ever return to my parents' home, if I ever start communicating with them.

I love my parents wholeheartedly. In my eyes, their doings have become the doings of love for me. This movie reminded me of the truth. When Soraya's father stated that she's not her daughter and he's no longer her father; telling everyone to finish it and screaming to kill his own flesh and blood, I realized. Where was love? Where was the thought of 'flesh and blood'? There's only the thought of 'honor' and 'love for Islam!' Nothing will compare to religion; nothing.

Soraya's death: stoned and her bloody body eaten away by dogs. A honorable mother who strived to protect her children, she was - till death. But a fool she was too. The same fool, I am. When Soraya's aunt came running to let her know that the men are plotting something against her, and to advise her that she should stop working, she denied and refused to hear it, neglecting the fore-warning. There's no difference between me and her. Despite everything I went through, pain, sorrow and agony, I still miss, wish and yearn for my parents, innocently failing to realize that this feeling can cause only one thing - my death.

If not for my husband, I might have gone back to my grave. Even if they keep me alive, I'm sure it will be triple the agony I already went through. Physically my parents may not have tortured me, but mentally they did. It is only because of Singapore's law that I was safe from physical harm - this I was made clear by my own mother, a woman herself.

So what else am I expecting for? What else am I waiting for? Why does my heart despite seeing all the agony in detail, the proof that is thrown before me, still yearn for them, for their love, for their affection? It's only because of the way they brought me and the way I spent years thinking too positively about them that the negative truth is not digesting within me. And the only reason for all this is that I love them and am grateful for everything they did, and that I know they loved me. But they love their religion more than anything else in the world, including their only heir, their very own flesh and blood.

This is my story, and Soraya's. I can only ask one question: How many more people must suffer and die to bring the truth of Islam to you?