13 January 2010
Every day I keep hoping to see loving parents. Ones who love their daughter and want her to be happy. Every day that's what I wished for. But like a lightning bolt, it struck me so hard that just like all Muslims out there, my parents are the same. I'm nothing but a burden [to them]. Countless times they made me feel that way, throughout my life. Funny, but true. I've always thought they'd be better without me, because that's how they made me see it. They have never portrayed it by words, but as it is said, action speaks louder that words.
Every time I make a mistake, my parents would be sure to remind me again and again what I did in my past, even if it's something I wish to forget. They made me feel like I've done so much to have hurt them and that is why several times in a row I've been in and out of depression. I've come to the part where I even hate myself. My thoughts were, I'm not a perfect daughter, I do not deserve to be their daughter, and I always hurt them. But as I grew up and as I mixed around, I finally realised something. I realised that I've grown up in a negative way all my life. The mistakes I did was not really mistakes. They were actually stepping stones for me to learn from. Unfortunately, it only hurt me more than teach me anything.
Within years, I have been reduced to nothing and every freedom I demanded was not in my favour. It came till the point of choosing my own mate. When the word fell [on their ears], they were in full pretentious state until the right time approaches, and like I'm the animal, I was seized and held captive in the very place I called 'home'! The pain I went through, not physical but mental, was a torment. Even after I escaped it, the fear within me never recedes and those memories never subsided. Everywhere I go now, the moment I see a padlock, I shiver inside, remembering the huge padlock my father used to lock the main door's gate. I felt violated till now that I spent sleepless nights (like now, for example) crying to myself.
Is it wrong to wish for parents who love you and understand you? Islam never lets you go in peace. Never! It shook me more when my mother and uncle assaulted my fiancé and me. How can she claim she loves me? There it was, my fiancé getting beaten up and not letting me go, not even to run for help because he loves me and wants me safe [and doesn't want to lose me]! And there it was, the people claiming they love me but too blind to see the sacrifice that my fiancé is doing for me. People can say maybe perhaps my parents are afraid that my fiancé might hurt me and so they don't want me to marry him. But if he is willing to go through getting beaten for me, will he ever leave me?
If they really love me, they will want my happiness and not my pain. They have only inflicted pain in me and made it worse on the Christmas eve, 24th December 2009. I never knew they would stoop so low. Their focus was to get me! The reason was only clear. Honour of Islam! No child [born in Islam] deserve happiness if honour and Islam has to be traded. I am no longer a Muslim and that hurt them and killed them more than anything.
When I know there was no way they are going to accept my fiancé ever if he converts, I knew there was nothing else [for me] to stay for [in their house]. I was [at first] willing to sacrifice my freedom to get the man I love. But no, to them nothing was ever my choice. My mother said she'd rather kill me that let me be the way I was, which is equal to being free. No daughter would wish to hear her mother cursing her, calling her a prostitute and threatening her with death. But I'm hearing this. I'm going through all these! How hard it was for me to have to file a report against my parents, how hard it was for me to even file for a protection order. Oh God, how hard it was. Only I knew how many times I've cried (without my fiancé's knowledge).
That day I knew, there was no love towards me. In the end, Islam won my parents' hearts than their only daughter, their flesh and blood's love. No daughter would wish to run away. It's only due to their parents that they do. I wish I've had a normal life. I always did. But it is too late. I've been fed with fears. Fear of allah, fear of judgement day, fear of their leader, fear of them (my parents) till the extend when I argued with them that 'love' is the one that will make children respect parents, they [strongly] insisted that 'fear' brings respect. I should've known then. I should've realised, but I was too young to understand, even though I didn't agree with what they said.
Fear was everything to them. Fear = Islam. I am nothing but a burden and shame [to them].